THE GREAT ARTHURIAN MIND-CONTROL CONSPIRACY [Author: myschyf]
Mark Jacobs, President of Mythic Entertainment, had this to say: “Well given my argumentative nature we decided we just couldn’t afford the bad publicity. I had our crack team of experts develop this new mind-control technology for our beta test. This allows me to stay calm and collected when reading the message boards at LumTheMad and eases the workload for Sanya Thomas who, after all, was hired for her great taste in bagels and because we have truckloads of money to give away. One of these days we will actually find a qualified person for the job but until then, we thought this new mind-control technology would work really well and kind of do the job for her.”
Matt Firor, Producer for DAoC followed up with: “I’m not sure why other game development companies haven’t developed a mind-control client themselves. I suppose its just that we are extremely innovative here at Mythic and always looking to see what new technologies will be needed in the future. In our analysis of this demographic, we noticed right away that some sort of thought controlling device would become extremely useful. We’ve always thought that the best way to predict the future is to create it and we feel we are doing exactly that.”
According to some of the testers, the new technology works extraordinarily well. Hah-lucky of the grief guild KOC reports: “Well when they let KOC in the beat we were all like yeah we are going to r0xX3r this game. So we signed the NDA with no intention of keeping it and entered the game and started looking for the best way to cheat. But then something happened. I don’t know what they did to me but I went to our website to update it with all the l33t info on where to get the ph4t l3wt and I realized that we hadn’t cheated! So I said hey whats up with that and went back into the game but everytime I tried to cheat I just had these nice thoughts of how stable the client was and how great the game was. I even wrote Lums to tell him this was a really great game! And that’s another thing — my speech is almost normal now. Its getting harder for me to crank out the d3wd speech! Whats up with that?”
People who have not yet been exposed to the new technology have pointed out the lack of negative reports of DAoC on various message boards only to be attacked by rabid fanbois who seem to be increasingly under the control of Mythic. One poster on a message board had this to say to someone accusing Mythic of mind control “The reason you haven’t seen any big rants about DAoC is because THE GAME WORKS. The company is PROPERLY TESTING IT.”
The response from other developers has been supportive. Todd “Warden” Coleman from Wolfpack Studios is reportedly very interested in
acquiring a license for the new technology. “As many of you know, I have an argumentative nature as well. Now our fans are already well within our control but having access to this sort of thing would give us an opportunity to crush our detractors.” Raph “Holocron” Koster noted that “If this sort of technology had been developed four years ago I’m sure the UO beta and the first couple of years would have been much different.” Gordon “Tyrant” Walton from EA.com said a press release about EA’s plans to purchase the new technology and incorporate it into The Sims Online would be forthcoming. John “Smed” Smedly, when asked for a comment, was only able to babble incoherently about giving Abashi his old job back while yelling for his secretary to get Mark Jacobs on the phone. No word yet on whether the mind-controlling technology will be able to withstand the destructive customer-service techniques Abashi perfected during his time in that position at Verant.